What Lies Beneath
by Ivory Tower
Summary: Harry gets the strangest urge to look under...oooh, naughty places! Ron and Hermione get in on the fun! Oh, the secrets they find!


Title: What's Lies Beneath  
  
Author: Ivory Tower  
  
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns all Harry Potter characters and concepts.  
  
"Hmmm," mused Harry on his way to Charms class one day. "I wonder what people here wear under their robes."  
  
Ron ran to catch up with Harry.  
  
"Blimey, if I hear Ginny say one more thing about-AAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH! What the hell are you doing, Harry?"  
  
"Maroon underwear, Ron? that's just disturbing."  
  
"Give those back!" Ron snatched his maroon underwear from Harry and stepped back into them.  
  
"I know! Let's see what Neville wears under his robes."  
  
Ron studied Harry critically, then said, "Alright, then."  
  
Poor Neville was in the midst of being taunted by Malfoy and his goons when Harry and Ron found him.  
  
"Oh look. Potty and Weasle to the rescue," sneered Malfoy. He was a bit puzzled when the two pushed past him and rapidly advanced on Neville. What happened next made Draco drop his wand. "Crabbe, did you see what they did? I can't believe it. Is that a Gryffindor thing or something? That's just...did you SEE that?!?"  
  
"Bummer," said Ron, tossing Neville's undies aside. "He just wears ordinary white underwear."  
  
Harry looked thoughtful. "Let's go and say hello to Hermione, shall we?"  
  
Ron smirked as realization slowly dawned on him. "Yes. Let's do that."  
  
In the library, Hermione didn't bother to look up from her Charms essay.  
  
"Harry, shouldn't you and Ron be in Charms right now?"  
  
"Yes, but so should you."  
  
"I'm really busy, Harry. I can't talk right now."  
  
'This is urgent, Hermione. You-you'll have to stand up."  
  
"Are you serious, Ron?"  
  
"It's vital to our mission that you do so," insisted Harry.  
  
With an exhasperated sigh, Hermione complied while still writing her essay. Seconds later, her shriek reverbated all the way out to the Forbidden Forest.  
  
"Thanks a lot, you idiots," grumbled Hermione as the three exited the library. "How am I supposed to finish my essay now that I've been kicked out of the library?"  
  
"Sorry."  
  
"Yeah. Me too. Uh, I suppose you'd like your panties back now, huh?"  
  
Hermione glared. "Brilliant one, Ron!"  
  
Henry rubbed his fingers together after Hermione's cherry printed panties were pulled out of his grasp. It really wasn't fair that girls underwear felt so much softer.  
  
Ron stopped walking and surveyed the crowed. "Now what?"  
  
"Let's just go to Charms class."  
  
"No, wait-there's Madam Hooch!" pointed Harry.  
  
Ron grinned. "Yeah!"  
  
Hermione paled and ran after the two boys, trying to talk some sense into them. Before she could reach either of them, they were pelted back and landed at her feet.  
  
"Twenty points from Gryffindor, you two perverts!"  
  
Harry and Ron sat up and rubbed their heads.  
  
"That woman's lethal!"  
  
"Tell me about it!"  
  
"Honestly! You're lucky you weren't expelled. Do you have something there, Ron?"  
  
"Angora," breathed Ron Weasley, holding up a pair of soft pink panties made of, yes, angora.  
  
"Weird." commented Harry.  
  
"Definitely." agreed Ron.  
  
"Let me feel them. Oooh, they're soooo soft! I want a pair."  
  
"Hermione, control yourself. People are beginning to stare."  
  
"Oh. Sorry." Hermione reluctantly surrendered the pink angora panties back to Ron. The trio walked on. Hermione checked her watch. "Well, we've definitely missed Charms. Anyhow, it's time for Potions. Oh, and Harry, may I hold onto Madam Hooch's panties? Just until Potions is over?"  
  
Harry regarded Hermione uneasily. "I'll think about it."  
  
Malfoy and Neville shot both Harry and Ron looks of shock and borderline repulsion as the trio entered the dungeon. Snape was busy scrawling today's ingredients across the blackboard. In a playful mood, Ron dangled the pink angora panties above Hermione's head, chuckling as she leapt for them. No one else seemed to notice, save Malfoy, who looked ill.  
  
Snape whirled around. "Today you will learn to concoct an intricate serum for-Weasley, Miss Granger, pay attention! Longbottom, stop making odd faces at Potter. Mr. Malfoy, did your father run off to become a transvestite again?"  
  
"No sir. It's nothing. I'm fine."  
  
"Good. As I was saying..."  
  
Hermione talked Lavender into passing a note to Ron. Both Harry and he could have easily guessed the contents of the note, as I'm sure you already have...  
  
Ron,   
  
Please, PLEASE let me hold the panties. I'll let you copy my homework for a week.  
  
Hermione  
  
Ron read the note and wrote back:  
  
Hermione,  
  
A week's too short. A month sounds better.  
  
Ron  
  
Hermione quickly retalitate with:  
  
A month! That's just greedy! No man can appreciate the true beauty of angora anyway.  
  
Hermione  
  
Back and forth the note went, the argument over Madam Hooch's pink angora panties becoming rather intense.  
  
Snape finally intervened when he noticed the two flinging a piece of parchment at one another rather violently. Black robes swirling, he stalked over and caught the note in mid-flight. Harry inwardly groaned. Ron looked overwhelmed. Hermione; however, only looked defiant.  
  
"I am so sorry for interrupting you little game, Weasley, Miss Granger. I forgot that Gryffindors are exempt from paying attention during class. At any rate, I am sure your fellow classmates are very interested to hear what the two of you have been writing."  
  
Ron paled. Hermione pursed her lips. Harry felt his eyes grow wide. Oh no! This could be fatal! They might be expelled!  
  
'I gotta save them,' thought Harry, and did the only thing that he knew would distract everyone from the note. He leapt up, dove under Snape's voluminous black robes, and emerged shouting, "Hey, everyone! Look! Professor Snape wears-lemon yellow and purple paisley underwear?"  
  
Harry blinked a few times to make sure his eyesight wasn't going bad. This had to be the oddest pair of underwear he'd ever seen. He couldn't believe Snape would wear such an atrocity beneath his robes.  
  
While Harry and the others stared at Snape's underwear in shock and horror, Hermione snatched the pink angora panties and took off.  
  
Malfoy continued to stared at the brightly colored paisley underwear. Abruptly, he began to scream and could not stop. Neville began to tremble. Harry gawked at the monstrosity that was Snape's underwear and suddenly flung the underwear off his hand as though they were alive.  
  
"Pick those up." ordered Snape, completely unashamed.  
  
Harry shook his head. "Uh-uh. I need to go boil my hands in bleach now."  
  
Snape's pale mouth thinned. "So," he whispered, "the Potion Master's underwear are not good enough for the famous Harry Potter. Well, then, Potter, try these on for size."  
  
Snape strode to his desk, opened the drawer, and pulled out a kinky pair of black leather bikini briefs with a little chain running horizontally across the crotch, held them up, and put them on under his robes.  
  
Pansy fainted from sheer joy. Malfoy stopped screaming. Several other students suddenly felt very hot and anxious. Neville continued to tremble, only now with a pleasant underlying sensation.  
  
"Wicked!" exclaimed Ron Weasley, having a new respect for the Potions Professor.  
  
Harry was absolutely speechless. Those were, by far, the sexiest pair of underwear he had ever seen in his entire life. His quick mind begain to think of ways he might get detention with Snape, so he could get his hands on those sexy black leather underwear.  
  
Just then, Professor McGonagall's voice boomed through the school.  
  
"Your attention, please. Harry Potter and Ronald Weasley are to report to the Headmaster immediately. As for the rest of you, be on your guard. Hermione Granger is on an emotional rampage, stealing people's underwear. She is easy to spot due to the fact that she is wearing pink angora panties on her head. That is all."  
  
Snape pointed to the door.  
  
"You heard her. Shift it! Perverts," he muttered, watching the two Gryffindors leave.  
  
Both Harry and Ron burst into laughter once they were clear of the dungeon. The combined events of Snape's paisley underwear and Hermione's panty thieving fetish was too much. This was very grand, indeed. In fact, it didn't even occur to either of them that they were probably in deep, deep trouble. Boarding the escalator, Harry grabbed Ron's arm.  
  
"Ron! Do you realize what this means?"  
  
"Hermione's wasting valuable study time?"  
  
"No-Dumbledore. I'll bet *everyone* wants to know what he wears under his robes."  
  
Ron gave Harry a funny look. "I don't."  
  
Harry's green eyes looked deranged beneath his glasses. He grasped Ron's shirt.  
  
"This is the opportunity of a lifetime! Don't you realize that if we don't do this, Hermione will usurp our positon as the Hogwarts Panty Bandits."  
  
"I didn't even know we have a title. We just got started this morning."  
  
"Dammit, Ronald! Are you backing out on me?"  
  
"No, but I can take or leave the whole panty theiving thing. It's just a bit of fun."  
  
Harry's dark eyebrows narrowed dangerously. "Oh no, Ron," he said quietly, "it's much more than that. It's an *education*."  
  
"Okay," said Ron, realizing he was best friends with a mentally unstable individual.  
  
They arrived at the Headmaster's door.  
  
"Ready, Ron?"  
  
"Aye."  
  
"We must be quick, lest he cast a full-binding-body charm upon us!"  
  
"Alright then."  
  
"Charge!" roared Harry, flinging the door open, wand at the ready. They would take no prisoners. There could be no loss, only the gain of infamy and their rightful place in history.  
  
"Hello, Harry, Ron. Lemon drop?" greeted Dumbledore as Harry went in for the kill.  
  
"Sure, thanks, Headmaster, " said Ron, sucking on the lemon drop.  
  
Harry uttered an inhuman cry.  
  
"A chastity belt?!? What perversity is this? I thought Snape's paisley underwear were bad, but this beats the holy shit out of me!"  
  
Harry fell onto his knees, defeated.  
  
Dumbledore opened a Twix candybar and sat on his desk.  
  
"Well it certainly isn't my cup of tea, Harry. The Ministry nearly ordered my dismissal unless I devoted more time to running the school instead of my own brothel. I figured this to be an excellent alternative to castration. Minerva has the only key. She is the only person I know who will not give into my pleading and threats."  
  
"Don't you get cold?" asked Ron.  
  
"Don't be silly. It comes with a built in heating charm, and it sings the National Anthem every morning."  
  
"Crikey!" exclaimed Harry. "A singing chastity belt! What will they think of next?"  
  
Hermine walked in, breaking the mystifying moment.  
  
"Ah, Miss Granger. Have you returned the pink angora panties to their rightful owner?"  
  
"Yes, Headmaster. I feel much better."  
  
Noticing the boys' puzzled expressions, Dumbledore chomped a rootbeer barrel and explained, "I gave her permission to order her own pair of pink angora panties out of my Dominatrix Delights catalogue. Twas really quite simple, actually. And now..."  
  
Hermione clasped her hands together. "Yes?" she inquired anxiously.  
  
"The Marquis De Sade impersonators!" announced Dumbledore.  
  
A panel opened behind Dumbledore's desk and in trooped several impersonator with quills, leather straps, candles and other torturous odds and ends. Professor Snape was among them. The children seated themselves and the fun began.  
  
~FIN~ 


End file.
